I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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