Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
