Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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