Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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