forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Actions speak louder than pants.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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