I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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