Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
