I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
