I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
