Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
