Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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