Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
