Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
