There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
