operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
