the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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