Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You don't make any sense
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