I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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