I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
