Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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