You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
