i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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