I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Oh god it's open bar.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
