I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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