I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
