apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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