I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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