i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
