Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
