this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
