There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
