so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
