peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
