and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
