Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
