so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
