drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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