I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
