I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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