6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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