He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
