Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
