I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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