she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
