I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
