I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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