can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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