I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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