Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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