I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
